I know you know this but I want to remind you that LIFE GOES ON. I am the only child of two parents that were also an only child - meaning on top of no siblings. I don't even have cousins. My father didn't like being married with a child and divorced my mother when I was three. He then proceeded to disappear for the next 35 years and his parents both died thinking he had died somehow/somewhere and was never identified. My mother and I moved in with her parents. She went to work and my grandmother became the parent to both of us. She taught me how to succeed in life without depending on others and doing whatever needed to be done for that to happen, including getting 10 cents out of every nickel! (An exaggeration, but I’m sure you understand that statement.) By the way, my father showed back up five years before he died and he didn’t have any family but me; he had married the woman he ran away with and she had recently died so he was all alone.
I married a wonderful guy that had a brother and sister, and whose parents had also divorced when he was young. I thought I would be able to experience "family life." In truth, as they grew into adulthood, in their on timeline, his sister, and then his brother began to resent him because he had stayed in high school, then went to college for a couple of years on a basketball scholarship without any financial support from family. Neither one of his siblings even finished high school. Russ became a successful businessman - nothing spectacular, but we had a good life and managed to raise our son and daughter comfortably.
Fast forward through our parents and grandparents dying and our two children becoming adults and having their own families and moving to other areas of the country to follow their own careers. Then I became a widow. I believe in the saying of "Give your children roots and wings." I refuse to pester them because my mother was a very dependent person all of her life. She would call me an unbelievable number of times every day. One day in particular, I was keeping one of my granddaughters and my mother called me six times in one hour - just to see what I was doing. I lost track of how many times she actually called that day, but when the phone would ring, my granddaughter would say "It's Grammy again."
Back to my in-laws. Their resentment continued to build year by year. They both had multiple marriages and divorces (the sister - 6; the brother -10 - yes, 10) and seemed to blame us for having a “stable marriage.” They never understood the sacrifices we both made to get to where we were. Russ traveled five days and four nights every week, leaving me to care for the children and having to handle any household problems that arose. Our weekends were busy with church. On the other hand, they didn't go to church or even want to get up in the mornings to hold down a regular job. Their children have traveled down the same path.
I have lost touch with them and their children since Russ died. The last 15-20 years of his life, the only time we heard from any of them was when they wanted money to get out of a situation. When he would give them money, it would be gone in a short time, and it wasn’t used to change their lives. They were angry at his funeral because I would not give them his car and our modest house to sell so they could get money from his “success” even though they got his life insurance policy he had taken out when their mother died (before we met). I didn't know all the years we were married and I paid the monthly premium on the policy that he did not change the beneficiary. But looking back, I realize he knew they would never make any effort to better themselves like he did and he set up a separate savings account to pay for his funeral. I decided I did not need that drama in my life so after they didn't contact me any more after died, I let that part of my life go.
I am healthy, financially secure, and involved with activities. I keep busy with church and my own friends. I know if I need my children/grandchildren, all I have to do is call them, but as long as things are good, I don't "pester." I know they love me, but there is no need to cause them to say I am being "just like Grammy." That time may come because at 78 I am slowing down, but have my own home and good neighbors that I can call on for help if needed, able to drive anywhere I want to go, keep up with technology (my computer is a blessing), and have a cat and dog that are great companions to me and each other.
I have found that being an "Empty Nester" is not a bad thing. It gives me the freedom to do things I was not able to do when I was raising my family and then being a caregiver for Russ for a short time, and an even longer time for my mother. I now have the time for fulfillment of my own dreams and don’t have to be concerned about splitting my time between family and my own interests. Yes, I get lonely at times, but I don’t wallow in it. I allow myself a brief time to experience that and then get involved in some project I either have going or have been wanting to do.
All in all, I am enjoying my life as an Empty Nester.
