My Advice For Surviving Life’s Whirlpools

      
If you are alive and breathing, you will deal with whirlpools.  The whirlpools I speak of are emotional turmoils-times when you do not know how you will survive.

These times of stress drain your energy-both emotional and physical. Recognizing them ahead of time can help with how you deal with them. Learning how to live through tough times is important to survival.

Let me share one of my personal whirlpools. When I was barely three years old, my father announced he did not want my mother and me to remain in “his” home any longer. In a time when the phrase “single parent” did not exist, my mother became one; the term “divorced” was not socially acceptable. To add insult to injury, for the next fifteen years my mother only received two month’s worth of child support - a mere $20.00! Since we lived in adjoining states and tracking Deadbeat Dads was almost non-existent, she had no recourse to collect money from him. After a couple of years, he and his married lover disappeared. His parents never heard from him again, and my mother and I became their support system. We took care of them, made sure they had sufficient clothing, food, and housing. I cannot take credit for these actions; my mother set a great example for me.

I was grown and married with my own children before I learned the reason for my parents’ break up. My mother NEVER spoke a bad word about my father.  I learned about the other women from other people. She only said, “I did not make him happy. He found someone that did.”

Often as I was growing up, members of my family would say, “You’ll hear from your father again - when he is alone, sick, and broke.” I learned he was alive and even where he lived. I tried contacting him; first, by mail, then by phone, and finally, through the Personnel Director of his employment. He never responded, even when his mother died. Mail was returned to me with the message “Addressee refuses” written on the outside.

One night more than thirty years later, I received a phone call from him. He had finally married the other women; he buried her that day. The next five years tested my Christian upbringing and beliefs. I tried to forget the past, but it never took much to bring it back into focus; however, my two children needed to know their grandfather and that was more important.

During that period, he married three more times. Two of these times were to the same woman, two years younger than myself, and with five children. The last marriage was to a woman only a few years older than myself. I should explain that by the time my father contacted me, he was, although not wealthy, extremely comfortable. Since he did not have any other family, he made a Will leaving everything to me, or my children if I did not survive him.

Thirteen months after that last marriage, he was dead, quite unexpectedly, and a little suspiciously. The next six months were a whirlpool for me. Instead of allowing his body to be donated to Vanderbilt Medical School, she insisted on a funeral and burial.  After I paid the funeral expenses, the new widow produced a different Will, in which I did not inherit one penny. The insurance policies had been changed; the deed to the house had been changed, and I was not welcome there. It was not that I wanted or needed the money, but I felt as though the same person had abandoned me a second time.

My whirlpool sucked me into depression, self-pity, and anger. I must admit that for sometime I allowed this, even relished it. My friends got tired of hearing me moan and groan. My family put up with it because they didn’t have a choice. I finally reached the point that I got sick of  myself and needed to move on with my life. I determined in my innermost being that I would survive this.

My faith in God, my determination, my friends, and my family helped me escape from the center of this downward spiral. It took time and effort, but I was able to climb out of the whirlpool. I wish I had avoided being caught up in the worst of the whirlpool, but I had allowed myself to be carried away by it before I even realized it.

I have used this experience to avoid many potential whirlpools since then. There have been a few times I feel myself being pulled into the swirl, but I either go with the flow and get out as soon as an exit appears, or move to evade the turmoil.  Easy? Certainly not! However, it is possible and necessary for my own mental and physical health.

You can sidestep some episodes in your life. When you get that “gut feeling” that things are not going the way they should, stop and look at the circumstances. At that point, can you avert the upcoming disaster by changing your plans? Being sensitive to our intuition can alert us to many things in our lives that are not good for us.

All problems cannot be sidestepped, however, such as serious illnesses, death of a loved one, etc. When these things come into your life, you must hang onto your hope. Fighting will only drain your energy, and giving up breaks your spirit.

Good news! You can survive the trials that hit you smack in the face. The secret is not just determination (although that is good to have), but is a belief that things will get better and you can persevere.

Telling you that you do not have to go though troublesome times would be arrogant of me. We cannot always escape the bad times in life. I do not have a guaranteed guide for you to escape or avoid your personal whirlpools. I can tell you that there is a way for you to survive. I can promise you can be stronger after you go through these experiences; your attitude makes the difference.

I will leave you with a quotation from my favorite book: THE HOLY BIBLE; it has helped me hang on many times. “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

The Adventure Of Having A Pet That Loves You

I needed to take my trash to the transfer station today and since it is only 2 miles there and 2 miles back, that meant I was only going to be gone a very few minutes. I decided to leave Harvey out at liberty in the house. I gave him one of his favorite treats - a Chicken Gnaw Knot. Oddly, that didn't keep him in the house. He wanted to get in and ride; however, I knew he would jump out at the transfer station and I would have problems getting him back in the van.

I pulled out of the garage and put the door down, looked in the mirror, and there he was - he had slipped out of the house and garage and was following me. I thought, “OK, I’ll drive down the driveway and take off.” When I got to the end of the driveway, he was there beside my door, jumping against the van! I still drove off, going faster than normal - about 35 mph - and looked in the rearview mirror and he was coming at breakneck speed right behind me - keeping up. I kept going until I got around a couple of curves and out of sight, but decided to go back and put him inside since it was raining. There he was, still coming. He turned around and headed back home and beat me there! I got out of the van as he ran back into the house, but kept coming back out. I followed him in and busted his butt, started back out, and here he came! I returned, chased him through the house, busted his butt again, put him in the crate, and finished the top latch, but not the bottom.

I had closed the garage door when I went back in so I went out the patio door and locked it as I went out. When I got back home, he was standing in the garage, waiting for me! I really don’t like having to crate him, and I think he has gotten to the place where he won’t tear up things, but I can’t leave with him chasing me down the road, so I guess I will have to crate him every time but leave it where he can escape.

Bless his heart! He has proven he appreciates being rescued and loves me - over and over. He is such a sweetie. 

Life Without Hershel

This is Day 18 of  “Milton Household’s Life Without Hershel.”  We have settled into a new normal and it is definitely a bigger difference than I had expected. 

Just a little background.  For 5 weeks Hershel had been going with me to the veterinarian and return with me.  When we left the afternoon of March 6, I knew he would not be returning with me.  It was time to end his pain and suffering, but how do you explain that to fur babies?  So when I returned home without Hershel, Maggie was waiting at the door to greet us as usual.  She sat and waited for him to come in from outside, but when he didn’t come through the pet door after a few minutes, she started roaming and “calling” for him.  Finally, she saw his collar and leash I had hung over the chair.  She smelled them a few times and each time would turn to look at me.  After a while, she walked away and stopped looking for him.   Ever so often now she does a strange little “mew.”  I wonder if she is crying or if she’s trying to let me know she’s OK.  She has been sleeping beside me most of the night.  But then, she had just started sleeping between Hershel and me about the time he started hurting from his arthritis.  It was like she understood he was in pain and wanted to reassure him.  She has started laying in my lap more (when I don’t have the computer there.)   She seems to be settling into being the “only child” in the house.  I’m not sure how long that status will continue because I am being drawn to look at available small dogs - particularly Chihuahuas, but there is no rush.  I will wait until I find just the right fit for both Maggie and me.

The biggest difference I have noticed is a very strange one.  Hershel’s neighborhood friends Luke and Sasha have not been by here to visit and go for a walk together at all since he’s been gone.  In the past, they would skip days coming by when the weather was nasty and/or cold, but we have had nice weather and I’ve not seen them - not once!  I wonder if they know.

Another difference - I have mentioned in the past that the deer come to the bird feeder and eat until I finally let Hershel out to chase them.  It seemed to be a game for them.  I have only seen them at the feeder once in these 18 days.  That was the day I took pictures and posted them on Facebook. 

Even the birds seem to be staying away because their feeder doesn’t need to be refilled.  Now, that is strange.  Right?

All these things make me wonder - do animals have an Information Network??   Do they grieve?  I know Maggie has grieved along with me, and together we are moving on.  When Mickey (dog) died, Phoebe (cat) grieved for weeks until I finally brought Hershel home.  When Phoebe died, Hershel grieved and withdrew.  Now with Hershel gone, Maggie’s behavior has changed.  But the other dogs and the deer aren’t here in the house to feel our sadness, so do they know?  If so, how?  Is there an invisible signal that alerts them?   Are they grieving?   Are they trying to console the Milton Household?  God knows the answer even if I don’t.

God bless all of you for reading this and, please love on those fur babies as well as your human babies.  Show your appreciation for their love and companionship.

Hershel and Maggie

Hershel and Phoebe

Sasha and Luke

Mickey

Life Goes On As An Empty Nester

I know you know this but I want to remind you that LIFE GOES ON.  I am the only child of two parents that were also an only child - meaning on top of no siblings.  I don't even have cousins.  My father didn't like being married with a child and divorced my mother when I was three.  He then proceeded to disappear for the next 35 years and his parents both died thinking he had died somehow/somewhere and was never identified.  My mother and I moved in with her parents.  She went to work and my grandmother became the parent to both of us.  She taught me how to succeed in life without depending on others and doing whatever needed to be done for that to happen, including getting 10 cents out of every nickel!  (An exaggeration, but I’m sure you understand that statement.)  By the way, my father showed back up five years before he died and he didn’t have any family but me; he had married the woman he ran away with and she had recently died so he was all alone.

I married a wonderful guy that had a brother and sister, and whose parents had also divorced when he was young.  I thought I would be able to experience "family life."  In truth, as they grew into adulthood, in their on timeline, his sister, and then his brother began to resent him because he had stayed in high school, then went to college for a couple of years on a basketball scholarship without any financial support from family.  Neither one of his siblings even finished high school.  Russ became a successful businessman - nothing spectacular, but we had a good life and managed to raise our son and daughter comfortably.  

Fast forward through our parents and grandparents dying and our two children becoming adults and having their own families and moving to other areas of the country to follow their own careers.  Then I became a widow.  I believe in the saying of "Give your children roots and wings."  I refuse to pester them because my mother was a very dependent person all of her life.  She would call me an unbelievable number of times every day.  One day in particular, I was keeping one of my granddaughters and my mother called me six times in one hour - just to see what I was doing.  I lost track of how many times she actually called that day, but when the phone would ring, my granddaughter would say "It's Grammy again."

Back to my in-laws.  Their resentment continued to build year by year.  They both had multiple marriages and divorces (the sister - 6; the brother -10 - yes, 10) and seemed to blame us for having a “stable marriage.”  They never understood the sacrifices we both made to get to where we were.  Russ traveled five days and four nights every week, leaving me to care for the children and having to handle any household problems that arose.  Our weekends were busy with church.  On the other hand, they didn't go to church or even want to get up in the mornings to hold down a regular job.  Their children have traveled down the same path.

I have lost touch with them and their children since Russ died.  The last 15-20 years of his life, the only time we heard from any of them was when they wanted money to get out of a situation.  When he would give them money, it would be gone in a short time, and it wasn’t used to change their lives.  They were angry at his funeral because I would not give them his car and our modest house to sell so they could get money from his “success” even though they got his life insurance policy he had taken out when their mother died (before we met).   I didn't know all the years we were married and I paid the monthly premium on the policy that he did not change the beneficiary.  But looking back, I realize he knew they would never make any effort to better themselves like he did and he set up a separate savings account to pay for his funeral.  I decided I did not need that drama in my life so after they didn't contact me any more after died, I let that part of my life go.

I am healthy, financially secure, and involved with activities.  I keep busy with church and my own friends.   I know if I need my children/grandchildren, all I have to do is call them, but as long as things are good, I don't "pester."  I know they love me, but there is no need to cause them to say I am being  "just like Grammy."  That time may come because at 78 I am slowing down, but have my own home and good neighbors that I can call on for help if needed, able to drive anywhere I want to go, keep up with technology (my computer is a blessing), and have a cat and dog that are great companions to me and each other.

I have found that being an "Empty Nester" is not a bad thing.  It gives me the freedom to do things I was not able to do when I was raising my family and then being a caregiver for Russ for a short time, and an even longer time for my mother.  I now have the time for fulfillment of my own dreams and don’t have to be concerned about splitting my time between family and my own interests.  Yes, I get lonely at times, but I don’t wallow in it.  I allow myself a brief time to experience that and then get involved in some project I either have going or have been wanting to do.  

All in all, I am enjoying my life as an Empty Nester.

Stubborn Me or Insistent Me

Please allow me to share what happened to me tonight.  If you don’t want to be encouraged to follow that “inner urging” then feel free to move on.  But before you do, let me tell you that I am not sharing this to get pats on the back or “Atta Girl” from any of you.  I am sharing this for a couple of reasons: 1) that by posting this I will be able to remember the good feeling I got, and 2) that you might remember and be blessed in the future when you hear and follow that “inner urging.”

As I was leaving SuperBowl Family Entertainment Center in Metropolis, IL tonight, and after a so-so night of bowling, I had the thought that before I started the 22 mile trip home I should go next door to the Dollar General and get a gallon of milk because I am a big milk drinker - every day.  I thought to myself “No, I have enough milk for tomorrow.”  Then it was like I was arguing with myself when I thought “But then I will have to get out tomorrow or early Saturday morning before breakfast to get milk.”  Stubborn me said “Well, I can always make up milk from my dry milk I keep on hand to cook with and I wouldn’t have to get out.”  Insistent me said “But then I still wouldn’t have any for Sunday morning before church and besides that won’t taste as good.”  Stubborn me mentally shrugged my shoulders and said “OK.  This is closer, I can keep it until Saturday morning and not have to make a trip back out in the cold tomorrow.”  So, I went, picked up a gallon with the longest expiration date and headed to the checkout. 

A young girl-woman (probably an older teenager and no difference that she was another ethnic race) got there just a couple of steps before I did.  I was thinking to myself “I’m tired, it’s cold outside, and I really wish I had walked a little faster.”  The clerk seemed to know her or at least recognized her because she asked “Weren’t you in here earlier today?”  The young woman affirmed that she had been.  As the clerk totaled up the two different 2 liter drinks, she asked about how (I didn’t catch a name or relationship) was.  The young woman said “After we left here she stopped breathing.”  She repeated that after the clerk said “WHAT?”  I asked “Is she OK?”  She replied “Yes, they sent her home with breathing treatments.  She sent me here for these.”  With that, she put down a handful of coins on the counter.  After counting them, the clerk said “I need a little more.”  The customer said “That’s all she gave me.” 

I asked how much more did she need, knowing all the time that I only had my debit card on me.  Turns out she only needed 3 more cents.  I told the clerk to add that to my ticket.  She looked at me and said “You want me to give her back this change and you pay for all of it?”  By this time, my stubborn self and my insistent self were arguing again, but I let the insistent self win, and I said “Yes, that’s fine.”  The young customer turned to me, looking like the weight of the world was on her shoulders, and as her face softened just a bit said “Thank you very much.”  With that, she picked up her change and left in a hurry - so fast I didn’t even see or hear the door open and close.  The clerk also thanked me, but we both admitted we each had been in very similar spots before. 

My drive home was full of joy that I was there when someone needed a little kindness and I was able to provide it.  When I got home, I took a look at my receipt and her items totaled $2.80 plus 18 cents tax.  My one item was $3.40 plus the 3 cents.  Such a small amount to be a blessing to someone before the end of the day.  I wonder, what would have happened to that young woman if I had let my stubborn self prevail.  I do know I would not have received the blessing of helping her. 

I thank God that he kept telling me in my spirit that I needed to go get that milk before heading home and I was obedient to that.   

When God Rescues Us

God Rescues Us

Psalm 34:17 - 19 NLT
The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. He is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.  The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

It was Dec, 27, 1945- our house burned - to the ground - leaving us with only the clothes on our backs, & 2 things my grandmother had time to toss out a window - a chair, & Mother’s high school graduation gift - a typewriter.
 
My grandfather’s boss & wife invited us to stay with them in their two story house until we could find a place to live. Their children were grown, leaving them with a couple of vacant bedrooms.  I only remember one incident during those couple of weeks.  I went to the upstairs bathroom, shut the door behind me, & heard a loud “click”.  I was 4 & not used to an indoor bathroom that had a door, much less one that locked.  I tried to get out, got scared & started crying - loudly. 

While my grandmother tried to calm me from the other side of the door, the boss’s wife tried to get the door open, without success.  I don’t know how long it took; it seemed like an eternity.  The next thing I remember was a ladder showing up at that 2nd  story window, & then a fireman crawling through the small window he had been able to open from outside.  Thank goodness for that window!   He told me I would be OK, walked over, unlocked the door, & I shot out of there to the comforting arms of my grandmother. 

By now, you may be wondering “Where is she going with this story?”  OK, here it is.  A lot of people see God like the fireman that rescued me.   We get in trouble; we cry out; God comes in, rescues us, & we go on our way.

When we’re trapped in a scary place, & call on God, He will show up.  In fact, He’s already there.  But what happens in those times when God doesn’t unlock the door IMMEDIATELY to let us out?  Instead, He may just want us to STAY where we are, patiently spending time with Him instead hurrying to get on with our lives.

So instead of praying, “Get me outta here!” think about  experiencing something even greater - His Presence, His Peace, His Calm, & His Comfort.   Isn’t that more important than a quick release from our troubles?  

BTW - I’ve held onto that old manual Royal typewriter, and I treasure it and the memories it brings.

Myigrefreshrefillrehydraterelieverestaine.

I know!  You are asking what in the world is that word, and what does it mean?  Well, if you break it down, it means My migraine needs the 5 Rs: Refreshing (peace and quiet), Refilling (food), Rehydrating (drinking water), Relieving (what comes after drinking water), and Rest (self explanatory).  (My-ig-Refresh-Refill-Rehydrate-Relieve-Rest-aine.)   

I have had serious headaches (migraines) as long as I can remember.  Mother told me many times how, as a toddler, I would stop dead in my tracks, grab my head, and start screaming.  The doctors just told her it was “her way to get attention” and said I would eventually grow out of them.  Well, they were wrong!  They continued into my teen years, when it was rare for me not to have one EVERY day, into my early adulthood, giving me one that lasted SIX WEEKS until the doctor finally gave me something to knock me out for a couple of days, and now into my senior years, when they still are more than a nuisance to me.  Over the years, I have had various doctors prescribe things for me that “will keep you from having these migraines.”  Again - WRONG!  I did get a little relief as a trade off when I started taking medicine for Asthma.  Guess the improved oxygen flow and blood circulation helped.  I have given up on going for help because it’s a waste of my time and money.  On the positive side, they have decreased in frequency, but not in intensity when they do present themselves.

When Russ and I married, he didn’t believe headaches were a real thing, much less migraines.  He claimed to never have had a headache in his life.  When he was in his 50s, he finally admitted “My head hurts.  Is that a headache?”  It didn’t last him long (thank goodness because I don’t think I could have survived HIS pain!), and he didn’t have many (at least that he admitted), but that one time was enough that he finally understood the agony of “headache” and they ARE a real condition.  I envied the fact that he didn’t have enough experience before then to understand us, the headache suffers, really and truly are in pain.

So, why am I writing about migraines today?  The simple answer is that I am on the third day of my latest migraine.  Thankfully, it has been weeks since my last one, but this one is making up for the absence.  This one hit virtually without warning (as most do) and it quickly escalated to the point that the people around me began to notice something was wrong by looking at my eyes. 

Mother could always tell when I was not being truthful if I said I was OK when I had a migraine.  My eyes give me away.  They get “weak” looking, the pupil gets like a pinpoint, and don’t actually focus well.  She knew the signs because her eyes had temporarily crossed twice from a minor headache, even though she didn’t have actual migraines.
                   
I am extremely grateful that I don’t have the type migraines some have.  I normally can go on with my normal activity (even if a little slower and with more difficulty) and don’t have to close myself off in a darkened room or have the vomiting that some have.  I’ve always thought I can continue my daily activities because I have had them for my entire life and gotten used to the sensation of throbbing pain.  In fact, for years I thought it was normal.

This one HAS knocked me down a bit.  I have cancelled two activities so I could stay home and not have to deal with getting dressed or with people.  Yesterday, I took the medication I keep on hand for vertigo (mainly because it helps me sleep), stayed as quiet as possible, and wrapped a stocking leg around my head Indian style (which has never failed to ease my migraine).  I am better this morning.  The throbbing is almost gone, the pain is slighter, but I still have trouble concentrating.  Even typing is more difficult for me right now and taking much longer than normal.  I think I will cut this off for now and go get my stocking headband.  I think I need it again.

Hope all of you have a good day and may God always bless you!  Thanks for being my friend!  (An inside joke with a few of us.)